Jan 31, 2011

Fishermen Tales

I -   Every Friday night Alex told Alice his wife he went fishing with his friends at the lake, for the whole night. Last Friday his mother Rita got a stroke and was hospitalized at the New England Medical Center. Alice tried to call Alex but she couldn't get him. Alice went to the Fishman's pier looking for Alex. Alice finally saw in the darkness his friends Brad, Carl and Dean. Where is Alex she demanded, "Oh Alex didn't come anymore fishing with us" replied Dean. The next day Alice kicked Alex out of her house.
II - Every Friday night Brad told Betty his wife he went fishing with his friends at the lake, for the whole night. Last Friday, as the friend came to the pier, they decided to return back home because the stormy weather. Brad opened the door and saw the babysitter Tracey sitting on the sofa watching TV. "What are you doing here?" asked Brad. Tracey told him she came here every Friday night at 20:30 p.m. Brad sent Tracey away and was waiting for Betty.
III – Alex, Brad, Carl and Dean went to an ice fishing camp. As they assembled together, Alex told his story "I promised Alice a new car, and she let me out going fishing with you". Then Brad told them he promised Betty, a nice Diamond. Carl let his wife out for a vacation in Thailand. Dean start unpacking his gear, when Alex asked him "what about you Dean? you haven't said anything" Dean replied" I just set my alarm for 4:30 a.m. I hugged Daisy a and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she replied, "Go, but don't wear the new coat"
Great Shark - Arctic

IV – The four friends Earl, Fred, Glen and Harry have been going each year for deep sea fishing campaign. A week before the vacation, Earl's wife Ella prevented him from going to the fishing Adventure, "lets join a cruise for a week" Ella suggested. Earl told his friends, he will not join them this time. Next week, as Fred, Glen and Harry arrived to the pier to take the boat, they saw Earl smoking a cigar and chatting with their guide.
   Harry asked Earl "What's up, and how did you convinced her into letting you come with us?"
"Yesterday evening, I was watching my program and Ella came in and teasing me with her brand new underwear. Ella pulled me to our bedroom. The room was lighted with candles and incense sticks all over. On the bed I saw handcuffs, Ella reminds me today is our anniversary and she like to test something new. Ella ordered me "cuff my hands and legs to the bed", and then she said, “Do whatever you want." So, that's how I am here.

V – Earl and his friends were fishing by the river as Glen's cell phone called. "It was Gail, reminding me, today is our anniversary" explained Glen. "Can you tell me how all women remember those days and we men couldn't?" asked Earl. Fred put away his rod, and said "tell me my friend do you remember your first fish you hooked?" "Of course" the three replied, "but the fish didn't" said Fred.

Jan 30, 2011

Sandpaper Job

     Pinocchio asked Gepetto (his creator)" What shall I do to have sex, all of my girlfriend stayed away from me. They told me that my "Tail" is too rough.
Gepetto: "use  sandpaper to make it smoother" Pinocchio asked Gepetto what grit size shall you recommend? Gepetto told him to use P1000.

Gepetto asked Pinnochio the next week "whats up? how are your  Girlfriend?"
Pinnochio: "Why I need a girlfriend when I have sandpaper?"

My Uncle's Farm

    Uncle Tomas always promised to come over visiting us. So twenty years ago he arrived at our farm and my Dad showed him the farm, "oh Mart. you have a pretty small farm" said uncle Tomas, "my farm is so huge you will drive almost two days to go around the farm"  "I had sold that kind of car, ten years ago" replied my Dad.
Watch Mr. Bean's Car
   So while watching that clip, I remembered  how once a Police Officer halted us telling my Dad, "you were driving your car 65 mph instead of 50 mph", Grandma went out of the car and talked to the PO, "Sir, God bless you, give my son a ticket  driving 95 mph, cause I want him to learn a lesson".  Three months after at court the Judge asked Dad "Give me an excuse why had you driven your car 95 mph?" Dad replied "Sir, can we walk out and have a look on my car?", The Judge went out to the parking place, were Dad showed him the car and asked, "do you believe this old car can run 95 mph?"

Jan 27, 2011

Weight watchers? - Portugal

    I was acquainted to the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, Spain , but Rafa my friend sent me, an Email last year and informed me about an unknown folklore carnival called Touradas e Marradas in Portugal. Here the bulls are controlled by a long rope, guided by five to eight mans. Watch also the horns, which were filed and covered by special cups. The bulls were not slaughtered during or after the carnival. I enjoyed watching these clips and I would like to share them with you. So to me they looks like Weight watchers which might lose weight may be 30 pounds in three days?  On the other hand I don't want to call them names eh?  The expression Marradas (hitted by a Bull's horns) make me also an association with Hemorróidas (Portuguese) or  Hemorrhoids, so maybe that their concept healing Hemorrhoids.
The Bull carnival in Portugal.
 Running the bulls in Pamplona-Spain
The latest clip, how can they get up with broken ribs?

The new Teacher

Today I will recommend on a nice TV film  The Ron Clark Story based on his real life experience. Mr. Ron Clark the educator, struggled in order to change the attitude of the pupils. I hope that all over the world his message will be accepted and many teachers (and school managers) will imitate him and return to educate and not only to push the stuff like goose feeding. Watch the attached trailer and I hope you will have access to that movie.
     So our main problem during the last fifty years is discipline, the pupils became rude and they are making fun of their parents, the teachers and the whole system.  And my blog is based on humor I add here some dirty joke which shows the real rude behavior of the pupils.
Mrs. Brown graduated college and started working as a teacher, at a public school. Every morning while reading the pupils names, when she arrived to Al Terris he replied "sit on my p*nis" so after a week she came asking Mr. Clarks advise, he told her be smart and change the routine call him Terris Al. so the day after as she called Terris Al the rude replied "sit as usual"
The trailer for "The Ron Clark Story" (The Triumph)
 Spanish subtitles
Some rude pupils

Jan 19, 2011

Peggy is in the kitchen

   I believe that all of the readers enjoyed the famous movie "Scent of a Woman" (Al Pacino) if you didn't  see the movie, I recommend you watch this wonderful movie, as soon as possible. So back to the movie. Al Pacino as Lieutenant Colonel Frank Slade plays the role of a blind and arrogant Ranger's veteran. The movie production, hired Jeff "the Ostrich", a famous blind and arrogant man, to instruct Al Pacino. Al and Jeff were together for three weeks in training.
    On the first day they had lunch in the famous "Rose restaurant" in New York. As the waiter arrived with the menu and saw the two blind men, he put away the menus and asked them "what would  you like for lunch". Jeff told the waiter, "just go and stab with a fork, each of your best dishes of the day, and bring me the three forks, I will smell and decide". So after a couple of moments the waiter returned bringing the three forks. Jeff smelled each of them and finally said "bring us please that nice Sword fish dish".
    The day after, Al and Jeff navigated again their way into the "Rose restaurant", the waiter now recognized them and he brought Jeff three forks, Jeff smelled them a little longer and said "Okay, that Sword Fish dish we ate yesterday. So let's take the smoked eel dish" The waiter was amazed by Jeff's smelling analytical skills. On the third day, as the two blind fellows came in, the waiter called over Rose the owner.
     The waiter asked Al and Jeff "what would you like to have?" "As usual" said Jeff, bring me the three forks. Rose stabbed two forks one in a "roast pork dish" and the other in a "carp fish dish" and the last fork she slid between Peggy's (the cook) legs. Rose handed the three forks to the blind man, smiling under her mustache, Jeff smelled the first fork saying "roasted pork not for me, maybe Al you take it" then he smelled the second and the third forks and suddenly start to smile and shouted loudly "hey Peggy come to Daddy"



Hunting for Fun in the Web

    Each morning I get up and while drinking my favorite coffee and checking my e-mails, my alpha minds are pushing me onto the web. Like my ancestors I am a hunter too, but I hunt only for jokes and fun, and I always share them with my tribe. Just watch and let me know if you are  satiated or if tomorrow I should bring new prey?
   The universe contains so many Idiots who are blessed with bizarre skills, and are happy to share them with the whole world. So lets help them. Have fun and share this with your tribe too.

Jan 16, 2011

Monkey vs Tiger

   A lion and a tiger were dozing off under a huge tree at the edge of the jungle. After a while, a young monkey settled on a branch just over their heads and started teasing the lion. The monkey threw a few coconuts which some hit the lion. The lion roared and moved to a new location under the next tree, but with a minute passing by and the monkey moved too, and continued along with its game. The monkey started to scream, as well, loud like hell. The tiger asked the lion "do something to stop the devil monkey". The lion whispered tiredly back "leave him, it's nothing we can do about, and he will leave us". The tiger told the lion to watch him, cause he is gonna to teach the rude monkey a nice lesson. The lion warned the tiger once again to leave the monkey, but the tiger jumped off and climbed the tree chasing the rude monkey away. 
  The chase was up the trees and down, from one branch to another, on the ground, and again to off to another tree. After a few moments of chasing the tiger got tired, but he almost managed to catch the monkey, which finally tricked him inside a narrow cave, the tiger tried to push himself into the cave chasing the monkey, but suddenly  the tiger got stuck and couldn't move further, nor back, he was trapped!!!.  Then the tiger heard the monkey right behind him, and the monkey started screwing him, the monkey also screamed till all the other monkeys from his herd had arrived, and now they all were screwing the poor tiger. After a couple of days the tiger had succeeded to release himself from the trap and returned to the lion's place. The lion asked him about the chase, and the tiger told him all about and that, he almost caught the devil. Then the lion asked "did he bring you to the cave?"
                                   Watch the story also on video part 1 
         Sorry but part 2 (The cave scene) is now in process!!!!

Logic Riddle

This Logic riddle is with me for many years and I always cheat everyone. Once at Paris a Journalist of "The Washington Post" interviewed me, and he failed too. 
Here we go:
  On 30 November 1920, The Washington Post published the following announcement "Our Nation salutes the hero". "Captain John Major who was one of the most decorated pilots of WW1, was killed yesterday in a car accident, when riding his motorcycle in New England"
What's wrong here? the first correct answer will be published.


More Languages

My Grandma Helen came last week to a Berlitz office, and asked to register for French Studies. The clerk asked her to fill her details.
As he noticed her age, he asked her "why do you need at your age studying French?"
Grandma replied: "I heard that in Paradise they speak only French"
"Mrs. Helen" said the clerk, What are you going to do if you will be assigned to Hell?"
Grandma :"Oh Polish is my mother tongue"

Jan 15, 2011

Debt Relief

    At my first  Economy lecture, the professor asked, what is the cost of money? None of us gave the correct answer. all the students mentioned Gold prices, Exchange Rates, Stock markets,  etc. After the class calm down, the professor gave the answer, interest of course is what we pay for buying money.
   And then he continued shocking us again by giving a declaration "loans shall not be returned" ,
except the workers and small businesses which must pay their small loans to the Banks and the
sharks. All the students were astonished and ask for an explanation! The professor explained it
very simple. All the Finance Industry do not want to sit on their money, they are selling it for an 
annual income which is the interest. 
   So just imagine, that all the loans in the world are returned. Then the banks have no more income eh?" The professor show us examples of famous corporations and countries which their debts were consolidated and recycled.
   To simplify the issue, the professor told us about his friend a true story that highlights the claim of the loan that always recycled.
    At the Korean war a company of Marine Ranges walked into a snipers ambush. The scout and the Lieutenant were killed Immediately and Tom took over the command and rescue the company safely. All the Rangers swear that they will never forget this, and they owe him their lives. The war was over and the men returned home. But they continue keep in touch and decided to meet once in a year at Las Vegas.
. All the veterans were very lucky in their businesses, except Tom which start gambling and boozing. Two years after the war his debts exceed fifty grands and his wife pushed him hard to stop and to recover of gambling and became a man. The next day Tom came into Richard's office and after a short small talk, he asks Richard sixty grands as a non interest loan for three months, so Richard gave his hero which saved his life during the war. Three month later Tom knock on Ted's door and again got his sixty grands which he returned to Richard. 
   And so Tom recycled his debt between his friends. Every three months he got one loan, returned his debt and have a pint of beer with his friends. The years passed but the veterans keeps in touch annually, and Tom was still walking around moving the dough between his friends. After ten years Tom fell sick and was dying, so all the veterans assembled around his bed. Some were praying some were running the old memories to encourage Tom. And then Tom made a confession and told them all about his gambling and the need for the dough of sixty grands and how the loan changed his life.
He remind them how he visit them regularly each three months recycling the dough between them. And told them, now why the hell you need me you can recycle the money without my presence. 
Epilogue The Debt Relief became now part of our life, every day we read about countries playing the same game which Tom the Ranger developed.

Jan 13, 2011

Broken Back-Axle

   My Grandpa traveled his old Rolls-Royce crossing the Sahara desert, after about fifty miles his driver told him "something is wrong with the transmission" a few minutes later they heard squeaks sounds from behind and the vehicle had stopped at once. Gilbert the driver bent down examining the car and returned saying "the Back-Axle is broken". 

At 1957 no Satellite phones, nor cell phones were around. So Gilbert left Grandpa and walked to the nearest town calling for help. Gilbert was a smart fellow and made a long distance call to London, to the Rolls-Royce Customer Support, reporting the situation.
   In Three days later a huge helicopter landed near the vehicle and a team of three technicians start replacing the broken Axle, with a brand  new Back Axle. Grandpa was so amazed  by the Company's team which left the place, without charging him a penny.
    When Grandpa arrived his destination, he phoned to the the Rolls-Royce Customer Support office, and told them he's the owner of the car which was fixed a few days ago at the Sahara Desert, and asked for the bill? "Sir", they answered "we do not know what  are you talking about?"
Grandpa said "Oh my Rolls-Royce Back Axle was broken, you sent a team of technicians with a brand new Axle, so how much is the bill?.
Sir, the Chief Engineer said to Grandpa, we do not have any records mentioning  your case, we never heard about a broken Back-Axle in a Rolls-Royce "

January Jokes

On the other Side  
   For 25 years every day Jeff ate regularly at "Rose Deli". Jeff was an honored customer and had his own reserved table. He was loved by everyone and was generous to all the staff. Rose, the owner loved Jeff too. One day Jeff didn't show at his regular time. Rose was worried a bit but then got busy and forgot about  Jeff  absence.
   The next day no Jeff now Rose was worried she phoned Jeff's house and got no answer. She even called a few local hospitals . Rose couldn't sleep that night wondering what had happened. Next day again no Jeff! Now Rose was really concerned and just as she was about to call the cops she glanced out the window and saw Jeff going into "Chong's Deli" across the street. 
Rose took off out the door and raced across the street and hold Jeff's coat just as he was sitting down. Rose screamed, "where the hell have you been! I lost sleep and spent good money phoning around about you, and what are you doing here at Chong's, you know he's my competitor.

   Jeff looked at Rose and said calmly, "calm down Rose, calm down, you'll be having a heart attack. I'll be telling you what happened okay. I went to the dentist three days ago and had an emergency treatment. The dentist gave me some pills and said  'Jeff, for a few days eat on the other side'".

Jan 8, 2011

My Flag Game

    This Game is open for the public, no subscription is required its Nice and Easy.

    The rules of My Flag Game : The country that will send the largest number of visitors to this blog till Apr 30 2011 will win the game.

    Dear player call your friends to enter the blog, to enjoy Mysays this will add another Flag for your  Country. Come in again to watch how your country is doing. Try to bring in more visitors. You are going to enjoy and improve your selling skills

    We anticipate that 300 visitors at least will be required to belong to the top ten.

For results you can watch on line the Flag counter on the blog.
This competition is a by product of the The 100 days Challenge

Jan 6, 2011

Readers Corner

Johnny Got His Gun- Dalton Trumbo  
    My first book recommendation will be "Johnny Got His Gun" by Dalton Trumbo. This book
belongs to a list of a few anti-war books, about a soldier of the Great War (WW I) mortally wounded, laying in a military hospital revealing his life story. For me the core idea of the book is based on the American Civil War, Johnny the hero, which returned home as a cripple. The famous ballad "When Johnny Comes Marching Home" (1863) was the first anti-war protests.  The original ballad "Johnny I Hardly Knew Ye" was tailored to the nice ballad "When Johnny Comes Marching Home".

   This book has been with me since 1972. I read it once in a while, so this morning during rearranging my library I found this book. I began reading and the memories of the Vietnam War set me back to those days. Which the American people had protested many years till that bloodshed bath stopped.
   For the readers convenience I set the trailer for the movie based on that novel.
That movie failed Financially but can be found now on DVD format.

   The band Metallica performed one of the first video songs "ONE" in 1989 which uses scenes from the movie "Johnny Got His Gun" and this push again this book to the readers.

   After you either read this book or watch the movie, you are gonna scream
"No More War - No More Bloodshed", so then all your friends will join and the people all over the
world will scream too "No More War - No More Bloodshed".
I believe that the protest of the crowd now moves from the streets to the web. The leaders should be forced stop sending their troops fighting for honor and treasures!!!

Jan 3, 2011

The 100 days Challenge

    100 visitors from 100 countries within 100 days
    I always wonder about the ability of an email chain to spread out within the country lines and into to the rest of the world. So we start a new game, lets push our Flag  to the summit. Each visitor will participate the game by asking his friends to participate too. 
   The average person is using  a filter when he forward a message to their recipients. Most people have several recipient categories, but on the average they have 8-12 "pen friends" which are receiving the mails and at their turn they again make a decision to continue or break the link. Each level reach new social circles and etc. In huge organizations, the average mail list may contain 20-25 members which can push the stuff to vast circles . In  huge organizations the amount of mails running here and there looks like the flood. And most of the staff are spending many hours investigating the "social" mails, off course they are the leaders for moving the mail chains . I play games on the net and when my opponent does not reply I know his boss is smelling around. 
   Some of the people's email boxes are exploding of stuff, and they do not pay any attention to your messages. These type of recipients always break the chain, but each of us are acquainted with these recipients and we must call them to pay attention in case we need their action. Some of the people are eager to get at least few emails per day and they are the pushers of the chain, to help it continue.
    Each of us get his close circle of "pen friends" with whom he/she shares the jokes, the XXXmails, the gossip messages from the office and the celebs  etc. 
   I start conducting an experimental test, to follow up the spreading messages around the world. So if you get an invitation to my blog please participate this experiment, and ask your friends to step in and also to invite their recipients to visit my blog. The challenge is to bring in to my blog at least 100 visitors from 100 countries within 100 days. I need your help to push this chain by calling your friends to visit my blog and encourage them to continue with their "pen friends"
  With today technology this challenge is much easier than seven years ago when I conduct it in my country. Today's tools are performing behind any expectation in more than 90% of the  countries in the world. So one might see his message spreading from Tokyo, Japan to Timbuctoo, Mali (Tim_book_two) just as a product of the net.

   So come and visit us, ask your friends to participate the game too and you will be proud of carrying your country flag top hill, come again to followup where is your country Flag located. I hope you will like to visit my blog again at least once a week when the best funny posts will be created.
The experiment due date will be on Apr. 30 2011. 

Jan 2, 2011

The Monthly Joke Archives

    Business is business (Jan. 2011)

    The teacher said to the class of 6 years old, "I'll give $10 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
    A little Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was . "St.Patrick"

The teacher said, "I'm sorry Sean, that's not correct."
    Then a Russian boy put his hand up and said, "It was Lenin." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Peter, that's not right either."
    Finally a little Chinese boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Chen. Come up here and I'll give you the $10."
As the teacher was giving Chen his money, she said, "You know, Chen, since you're Chinese, I was very surprised you said 'Jesus Christ.'"
Chen replied, "Yeah. In my heart, I knew it was Budha -- but "business is business."

   Don't Come Back!!! (Dec 2010)
John is studying in the west as he is calling his mom:
John: Mom, I have AIDS!!!.
Mother: Don't come back my son .
John: Why Mom?
Mother: If you come back then your wife will be infected.
From your wife to your brother, from your brother to our maid, 
from our maid to your dad, from your dad to my sister 
and from my sister to her husband, from him to me 
and from me to our driver, from our driver to your sister
and if your sister got AIDS, then...the whole village will be infected ! 
So in the name of God please save our village, don't come back!!!

You must scream like me

As infants our instincts make us screaming, to get our needs!!!  Now watch and learn the skills you lost!

Very very angry cat

Screaming squirrel and his fellows

Third (Next) time I scream - (Ice Cream)  


Jan 1, 2011

Wish for the New Year

Dear God 

My wish for this year is 
a big fat bank  account 
and a slim figure. 
Please write it in your lists.  

Please don't mix these two up
like you did last year !!!!

Are we heading World War III

    Hey you hear me Big Shots, hold the horses, calm down or we all gonna suffer through a new great war. About 96 years ago the Great war broke as Austria declared War on Serbia. The trigger of that war was the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria in Sarajevo Serbia. The Habsburg Empire put an ultimatum to the Serbian authorities, which decided to call the challenge and the armies start marching in Europe
So we can turn on our gadgets and watch the feud between the parliament members of Austria and Turkey in reality. 
   They blame each other culture in loud voices. The signs of smoke are now in the air, I can smell it, you should too. Maybe The Turkish and the Persian leaders wanted to drive the huge History wheel in reverse to the middle ages as  The Ottoman Empire ruled most of Central Europe and was halted by the Wien walls at 1683, not so far away.
The press and the other media might play their roll by adding the oil and the Defense Industry will bring the matches and the fire will start.

    WW3 will not be as WW2 or the first Gulf War and second Campaign to Iraq. The war will be based on riffles and explosives not tanks and missiles. The Muslims troops are almost invading Europe they need only to assemble the army of teen ages eager to burn everything in Europe. Using the net and the Cellular network they can get directions and orders from their leaders who were hiding safely far away in their palaces.
So the Europe governments should wake up in order to prevent the Muslims to organize in the European cities and countries. The leaders should be determined with their goals to the end of the day. The Authorities of Europe must smash the Muslim Barbarian code of behavior they should force the new comers to join the local culture and leave behind the barbarian, or they will be transfer to their Prophet lands.
   As the Austrian parliament member Ewald Stadler said "you came here with your Stone Age behavior". Muslim women slaughter cause of family honor must be stopped and punished. The preaching for violence in the Mosques by the Imams will be forbidden.  
Watch the videos below and judge the following frames of the new history.

Austrian MP  Ewald Stadler in Wien

And on the other side in Ankara