Aug 30, 2011

Our Mistress

   Charles and Vivian, a very nice looking couple in their early 60s, went out for dinner after the opera one night not long ago.  Charles was a very rich and powerful man, a CEO of a well known publicly traded company.  He was well connected politically and he had traveled all over the world and made contacts everywhere.  As Charles and Vivian were discussing the finer points of the opera they had just seen, a beautiful young woman stopped at their table and kissed Charles on the head and said, "I'll see you later, Charley" and dashed away with a big, flirtatious smile.
   Vivian was somewhat taken aback and asked Charles who that was. Charles very  straightforwardly answered that she was his mistress. Vivian was outraged and after making sure that Charles was not joking she flew into a tirade. She theatened that she would sue for divorce, she said she would take him for everything he had and she'd make his life miserable.

   Charles responded very calmly. "Vivian', he said, "you do recall that all the stocks as  well as the house are in my name, don't you?  And you do recall that I and not you are the CEO of the company and if you do start a divorce I will take away your unlimited credit cards and the private plane as well as the yacht and the limousine and you will have no shopping sprees in Paris nor trips into Manhattan with your friends, no parties at the best restaurants, no furs and jewels or nights at the opera".

   Just then Vivian looked across the room and saw one of their best friends, Anthony, sitting at a table and drinking champagne with another young and quite beautiful woman.  "Who is Anthony sitting with over there", asked Vivian, desperate to change the subject.  Charles answered, "That's Anthony's mistress".

Vivian thought very deeply for a minute and then said to Charles, "OUR mistress is much prettier than Anthony's mistress".
Look what will happen if you are not a CEO, see it till the end!!

To my opinion his wife is much more attractive, eh?

** In honor to my best friend Moishe - LEH who is the greatest story tellers among the lawyers and the greatest lawyer among all story tellers.

Aug 29, 2011

Happy Riders

My friend sent me a hilarious Email regarding the quote "You get what you pay" here we have two men riding excited each of them got his prey or bride for the night.
That poor man reminds me the truth/false story about a man who married a goat errrr.

Hey Police officer whats up with you? you don't see they are bolting from her husband?
More Riders

Aug 26, 2011

Gordon's RoboBar

   My good friend, Gordon, opened a new place - a Hi Tech bar.  He acquired and assigned a special robot as a barman. The robot was very skilled and could prepare any kind of drink that any customer could name, no matter how exotic or odd.  The robot was also guaranteed as a superb linguist and conversationalist.

   When Gordon called me last week to come for a drink at his bar I couldn't refuse. I entered the bar and ordered a Mai Tai. The robot started to prepare the cocktail and asked me "Sir, what's your IQ?" I gazed at him for a moment and replied "probably over 145" "Sir, here is your drink".  We than started discussing various philosophic issues and continued until the next customer arrived.
   The robot moved to that customer and asked, "Sir, what will you have?" The guy says, "For me only a Black Russian". Again, the robot prepared the cocktail, gave it to the customer and asked, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "I'm a U.S. Marine pilot so my I.Q. must be over 125." The barman then struck up a conversation with the pilot about the shitty stock market and the bad economy.  This made me very curious about how it all worked so I decided to leave the bar and return after a hour.
    The robot did not recognize me and instead asked, "Sir, what will you drink?" I scratched my head and asked "A shandy please." The robot then asked, "What's your IQ?" I looked around and whispered "er, er, uh ah..... 70" The robot leaned in real close and said to me, "Dude ... please......don't vote next time for Obama, enough is enough.  Do you get it"

p.s.(*) IQ is declining, idiots are bringing more and more duplicates.
p.s.(**) Please visit my other bar in Paris and order CALVADOS
Robot solves Rubics Cube

Aug 24, 2011

Double Gen Sex

   Last night I was at the bar and suddenly came next to me a very very attractive woman, even she looked to be more than sixty. In fact I would even say she was sexy as hell. I imagined how must be her daughter. She smiled at me and asked if she could sit next to me, I ordered another beer for her and we start flirting, pretty soon as she touched my knees I became horny.
and then she asked if I ever have Double - Gen sex.

I said no, and asked what that was. "It's sex with mother and her daughter together," she explained. "Wow, It's like MILF (mother I'd like to fuck)" I said and became more and more horny, I wondered how her daughter looks and how much fun can be an evening like this. After another beer she winked at me and said: "Tonight is your lucky night." We left the bar and drove to her house. We went inside, she turned on the light in the living room, and shouted "Mom, you are still awake ?"...
Oh boy she was the kitty of the cougar........

Aug 21, 2011

My Boy Jack - Kiplings Son

    I just finished watching the anti war drama My Boy Jack and I am overwhelmed from the useless of wars, so I will share my feelings with you. Millions of soldiers just died at the battle fields and no one will really honor them. But in our story Kipling's son represent the officers and the privates with their fears and shitty life at the front.  Once again we understand the futility of wars and glory, all ending war is the beginning of another war and problems can not resolved on the battlefield, that's the philosophy given years later by Rudyard Kipling.

Plot (source) : As The Great War (WWI) begins, 17 year old Jack Kipling (Radcliffe), the only son of the famous English writer and poet Rudyard Kipling, declares his intention to join the Royal Navy to fight against the Germans. The elder Kipling (Haig), who encourages him in his ambition, arranges several appointments for him to enlist in both the Army and Navy. However, Jack's poor eyesight prevents him from passing the medical examinations, and both he and his father are devastated. However, Rudyard uses his influence with the military establishment to eventually secure Jack an officer's commission as a Second Lieutenant in the Irish Guards regiment. Both Jack's mother Carrie (Cattrall), and sister Elsie (Mulligan), disapprove of this post, as they do not wish for him to be deployed on the front lines.

Jack, who proves to be a popular officer with his troops, undergoes military training and travels to France within six months. On his 18th birthday, Jack receives his mission orders to lead his platoon into action on the following morning. However, during this attack in the Battle of Loos Jack goes missing in action and the Kipling family is informed by military telegram that he is missing, presumed injured.

Over the next two years, Jack's parents track down surviving members from Jack's platoon and interview them. One of Jack's privates eventually confirms that Jack was killed in the Battle of Loos, shot by enemy gunfire, after losing his glasses in the mud during an assault on a German machine-gun post within the enemy lines.

My Boy Jack - Trailer

My Boy Jack - Spanish trailer

My Boy Jack - The Poem by Rudyard Kipling
“Have you news of my boy Jack?”
Not this tide.
“When d’you think that he’ll come back?”
Not with this wind blowing, and this tide.

“Has any one else had word of him?”
Not this tide.
For what is sunk will hardly swim,
Not with this wind blowing, and this tide.

“Oh, dear, what comfort can I find?”
None this tide,
Nor any tide,
Except he did not shame his kind —
Not even with that wind blowing, and that tide.

Then hold your head up all the more,
This tide,
And every tide;
Because he was the son you bore,
And gave to that wind blowing and that tide!

My Boy Jack - end episode the poem

May I recommend you, to read also the anti war book Johnny Got His Gun link

Aug 19, 2011

Call for Birth Control

I got an E-mail from my friend Tom, a vet of the rangers. I brought it as is without any editing, just cut and paste cause while reading it I almost burst. A read well worth your time!  Some of his thoughts may seem a bit strong to some of us, but If this can happen to Detroit, how do we keep a similar fate from destroying the rest of our country?
Frosty Wooldridge is a US journalist, writer, environmentalist, traveler.

   For 15 years, from the mid 1970's to 1990, I worked in Detroit, Michigan. I watched it descend into an abyss of crime, debauchery, gun play, drugs, school truancy, car-jacking, gangs, and human depravity. I watched entire city blocks burned out. I watched graffiti explode on buildings, cars, trucks, buses and school yards. Trash everywhere!Detroiters walked through it, tossed more into it, and ignored it. Tens of thousands, and then hundreds of thousands today exist on federal welfare, free housing, and food stamps!
With Aid to Dependent Children, minority women birthed eight to 10, and in one case, one woman birthed 24 children as reported by the Detroit Free Press, all on American taxpayer dollars.A new child meant a new car payment, new TV, and whatever mom wanted. I saw Lyndon Baines Johnson's 'Great Society' flourish in Detroit . If you give money for doing nothing, you will get more hands out taking money for doing nothing

  Mayor Coleman Young, perhaps the most corrupt mayor in America outside of Richard Daley in Chicago, rode Detroit down to its knees... He set the benchmark for cronyism, incompetence, and arrogance. As a black man, he said, "I am the MFIC." The IC meant "in charge".
You can figure out the rest -- Detroit became a majority black city with 67 percent African-Americans.
As a United Van Lines truck driver for my summer job from teaching math and science, I loaded hundreds of American families into my van for a new life in another city or state.
Detroit plummeted from 1.8 million citizens to 912,000 today. At the same time, legal and illegal immigrants converged on the city, so much so, that Muslims number over 300,000. Mexicans number 400,000 throughout Michigan , but most work in Detroit . As the whites moved out, the Muslims moved in.
The ruins of Detroit, check here the amazing pictures link 
As the crimes became more violent, the whites fled. Finally, unlawful Mexicans moved in at a torrid pace. Detroit suffers so much shoplifting that grocery stores no longer operate in many inner city locations. You could cut the racial tension in the air with a knife! Detroit may be one of our best examples of multiculturalism: pure dislike, and total separation from America .
Today, you hear Muslim calls to worship over the city like a new American Baghdad with hundreds of Islamic mosques in Michigan , paid for by Saudi Arabia oil money. High school flunk out rates reached 76 percent last June, according to NBC's Brian Williams. Classrooms resemble more foreign countries than America . English? Few speak it! The city features a 50 percent illiteracy rate and growing.
Unemployment hit 28.9 percent in 2009 as the auto industry vacated the city. In Time Magazine's October 4, 2009 issue, "The Tragedy of Detroit: How a great city fell, and how it can rise again,"  I choked on the writer's description of what happened. "If Detroit had been ravaged by a hurricane, and submerged by a ravenous flood, we'd know a lot more about it," said Daniel Okrent. "If drought and carelessness had spread brush fires across the city, we'd see it on the evening news every night." Earthquake, tornadoes, you name it, if natural disaster had devastated the city that was once the living proof of American prosperity, the rest of the country might take notice.
But Detroit , once our fourth largest city, now 11th and slipping rapidly, has had no such luck. Its disaster has long been a slow unwinding that seemed to remove it from the rest of the country.
Even the death rattle that in the past year emanated from its signature industry brought more attention to the auto executives than to the people of the city, who had for so long been victimized by their dreadful decision making."
As Coleman Young's corruption brought the city to its knees, no amount of federal dollars could save the incredible payoffs, kickbacks and illegality permeating his administration. I witnessed the city's death from the seat of my 18-wheeler tractor trailer because I moved people out of every sector of decaying Detroit .
"By any quantifiable standard, the city is on life support. Detroit 's treasury is $300 million short of the funds needed to provide the barest municipal services," Okrent said. "The school system, which six years ago was compelled by the teachers' union to reject a philanthropist's offer of $200 million to build 15 small, independent charter high schools, is in receivership. The murder rate is soaring, and 7 out of 10 remain unsolved. Three years after Katrina devastated New Orleans , unemployment in that city hit a peak of 11%. In Detroit today, the unemployment rate is 28.9%. That's worth spelling out: twenty-eight point nine percent.
At the end of Okrent's report, and he will write a dozen more about Detroit, he said, "That's because the story of Detroit is not simply one of a great city's collapse, it's also about the erosion of the industries that helped build the country we know today. The ultimate fate of Detroit will reveal much about the character of America in the 21st century.
If what was once the most prosperous manufacturing city in the nation has been brought to its knees, what does that say about our recent past? And if it can't find a way to get up, what does that say about America 's future?"
As you read in my book review of Chris Steiner's book,"$20 Per Gallon", the auto industry won't come back.  Immigration will keep pouring more and more uneducated third world immigrants from the Middle East into Detroit , thus creating a beachhead for Islamic hegemony in America . If 50 percent illiteracy continues, we will see more homegrown terrorists spawned out of the Muslim ghettos of Detroit . Illiteracy plus Islam equals walking human bombs.
You have already seen it in Madrid, Spain, London, England, and Paris with train bombings, subway bombings and riots. As their numbers grow, so will their power to enact their barbaric Sharia Law that negates republican forms of government, first amendment rights, and subjugates women to the lowest rungs on the human ladder. We will see more honor killings by upset husbands, fathers and brothers that demand subjugation by their daughters, sisters and wives. Muslims prefer beheadings of women to scare the hell out of any other members of their sect from straying.  Multiculturalism: what a perfect method to kill our language, culture, country and way of life.
"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote." -- Benjamin Franklin



Aug 14, 2011

A Cheerful Fart

   Three famous doctors were walking in the street, An old man walking ahead of them, caught their attention. The old man walking oddly, his body was bent forward with his feet apart. This unusual walk caught the attention of the trio of doctors and challenged them to give a diagnosis.
Dr. Baker the thoracic surgeon: "It is clear that the old man has a hernia and will require surgery"
Dr. Campbell the Colorectal surgeon: "No, this is not a hernia, it is  most certainly a case of severe hemorrhoids ."
The third doctor, Dr. Dong the Orthopedist said: "No, this is not a hernia, nor is it hemorrhoids.  The old man is suffering from lumbago ".

Since all three gave different diagnoses, it became very important to each of them to prove to his friends that he has the correct diagnosis.Having no choice, the doctors increased their pace, caught up with the old man and  explained their situation to him:"Sir, we are three famous doctors and we tried to diagnose  your problem. Dr. Baker says that you have a hernia, Dr. Campbell says - hemorrhoids and Dr. Dong says - lumbago". "We need to learn from you what is your problem; why are you walking  like a duck".
The old man responded "Dear Doctors, none of you have correctly diagnosed my condition.  In fact, I also misdiagnosed my situation"Its not a hernia nor is it lumbago and it is also not hemorrhoids". Please be aware that my diagnosis was the worst of all, I was sure I needed to fart, but in the end I wound up  shitting my pants"
What can I say, my friends "from an old ass never expect to get a cheerful fart"

Candid Cam - Old Man farting

Aug 8, 2011

Bundle of Dozen Jokes

 Dear follower, press one of the links below and just have fun. I will appreciate your comments. more bundles will be published follow me. Call for jokes, if you have original jokes, spicy and naughty jokes, please let me hear from you. your joke will be published under your name, as you wish. 
120. Don't Come Back!!!

123. More Languages.

124. Monkey vs Tiger - Including hilarious clip.

125. Peggy is in the kitchen?

126. My Uncle's Farm or How to fool a Police Officer.

127. Schwartz is Dead As the mortician examined the body, about to be cremated,   and made  a startling  discovery. Mr Schwartz  had the largest private part he had ever seen! 'I'm sorry Mr.Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.' So,he removed it , stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. 'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. 
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!

128. Sandpaper Job.

129. Only One Inch. - Naughty Joke.

130. I Will Mix The Fuel.

131. For Information Only. - Naughty Joke



Aug 7, 2011

The Tramp in the Trench

Every Sunday I tweet constantly my Beautiful Sunday song, but today I found around some Charlie Chaplin clips and I fetch 16 clips about 59min. enjoy them.
A Beautiful Sunday Morning
Breakfast at the Hotel
Late for Work Again
Lounge Lizards
Morning Service
Hard Shirking Men
At the Construction Site
Public Transportation Madness

Shoulder Arms

Hotel Trench

Getting Used to Trench Life
War Mail
Sleeping at War
A Daring Escape
The Captured Trench
The Super Spy

Four of Charlie Chaplin best short films in one collection The Charlie Chaplin Festival:  - Link
The Immigrant, The Adventurer, The Cure and Easy Street 

Aug 5, 2011

Linguistics and numbers

My friend the English teacher sent me an Email from which I learned how much I had forgotten the roots of the Latin and the Greek languages. Interesting Numbers, read more about English numerals but we have to investigate the roots of our modern numbers using the Linguistics tools.

You know the English words for numbers…
One  (1), Two (2), Three (3),..........Ten (10)
One hundred (100), ............Five hundred (500),.........A thousand (1,000)
A million  (1,000,000)
A billion   (1,000,000,000)
A trillion (1,000,000,000,000)

But lets have a look and investigate the roots of the numbers.
Q. What is the root for The number 1? A. mono, from Greek, so we all know now all these word.
MonotheismMonogamy, Monarchy, Monopoly, etc.
There is another root for 1. It comes from Latin..That’s right! It’s uni
Unicycle, Unicorn, Unisex etc.

Q. What is the root for 2? A. It’s bi that comes from Latin
* Bicycle,Bimonthly, Binary etc.
* There is also a root for 2 that comes from the Greek, it's du
* Duet, Dual, Duplex, etc.

What is the root for 3? That’s right! It’s tri
* Trio, Triangle, Trinity, Triple,Triplets, etc.

* And what is a trillion? That’s right! It’s 1,000,000,000,000 Four (4) groups (not 3) of zeros.

Q. What is the root for 4? A. It’s qua
* Quarter, Quartet, Quadruplets, Quadruped, etc.

Q. What is the root for 5? A. It’s pent, it’s from Greek
* Pentagon, Pentoxide, Pentathlon, etc
* But there is another root from Latin, It’s quint
* Quintuplets, Quintet, Quintillion (1,000,000,000,000,000,000)

Q. What is the root for 6? A. It’s hex That one is from Greek
* Hexagon, Hexahedron, Hexadecimal, etc.
* But there is another one from Latin.  sex
* Sextet, Sextuplets, Sexagenarian, Sextillion (1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000)

Q. What is the root for 7? A. It’s sept (Latin)
* Septet, Septillion ….10**24=1024
* September, and that’s why September is the 7th month of the year. oops! Wrong!
  September is the 9th month. how did that happen? September was the 7th month in the original Roman calendar. but Julius Caesar pushed in another month called, July in honor to his majesty.Then came another famous Roman And he wanted a month named after him too. The month was called August after Augustus Caesar.

Q. What is the root for 8? A. It’s oct
* Octagon, Octopus, Octet, Octagenarian, October, etc.
* Octillion  which means 10**27 or 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 9 bundles of 0
Q. What is the root for 9  A.It’s nov
* November, Novillion 10**30 (1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000)10 bundles of 0

Q. What is the root for 10? A. It’s dec
* Decimal,  Decade, December Which should be the 10th month. (Remember Julius Caesar and Augustus Caesar who pushed themselves into the calender, so December became the 12th month)
SI prefix table

Aug 2, 2011

Hiding in a Fridge

  Abe comes home from work early because he's convinced that his wife Dee is having an affair and he wants to catch her in flagrante delicto.  So he tears through the apartment way up on the 10th floor of a luxury apartment building.  Dee chases him around the apartment shouting at him "have you lost your mind, are you crazy, what kind of woman do you think I am etc etc."  Abe finds no one in the closets, under the beds, in the shower etc.

   Abe goes out on the balcony to see if anyone is hiding out there.  He sees a pair of hands holding onto the balcony railing and sure enough there's a guy hanging from the railing.  Abe now is truly insane and he's hammering the hands and biting them but the guy hanging from the railing is holding on for dear life because its...10 stories to the street.  Abe takes a chair from the balcony furniture and smashes the guy's hands and of course the guy can't hold on anymore and he falls 10 stories to the street but he doesn't die because he falls into a garbage dumpster.  Abe has truly gone berserk at this stage and runs into the kitchen and pushes the refrigerator out onto the balcony to push over the rail to fall on the guy in the dumpster and kill him.  The first part of the plan works perfectly; the refrigerator falls into the dumpster and kills the guy.  But, Abe  overbalances in doing all this and he falls over the balcony railing and lands on the refrigerator and dies.

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates of Heaven and three guys come walking up to him. The first guy is Abe the crazy husband. Saint Peter asks him - why are you here? Abe tells the whole story including the wife chasing him around screaming at him and seeing the guy hanging from the rail and the refrigerator and overbalancing etc. Saint Peter says that this is clearly a crime of passion and he therefore sees no reason why Abe should not be allowed into Heaven.

Saint Peter asks the next guy what he's doing there and this guy tells an incredible story. He was working on the garden of his penthouse on the 11th floor of his building and he fell over but managed to catch the balcony railing on the 10th floor and all of a sudden Abe is hammering his hands and biting his hands and all of a sudden this crazy person hits his hands with a chair and the poor guy falls into a garbage dumpster and by a miracle he's still alive. He's lying there in the dumpster catching his breath and getting ready to walk away from this whole thing when a refrigerator whooshes out of the air and kills him...and here I am. Saint Peter says that this man is certainly a victim of circumstances and should not be denied the pleasures of Paradise. And so, this man also walks through the Pearly Gates into Heaven.

  The third guy walks up to the Gates and Saint Peter asks him...Why are you here? The guys answers, "To tell you the truth, I'm not sure. I was minding my own business, hiding in a refrigerator...."
Dedicated to Morse my friend, Morse is the best Lawyer among all Story Tellers, and the best Story Teller among all the Lawyers.