Dec 26, 2011

Three Brides Honeymoon

The Polish three brides - Chapter One
My aunt Debra had three daughters Anna, Brenda and Carmella. In order to save money, they were all getting married the same day. that happened about 50 years ago and was told to me by my father. My aunt was an old Polish lady, with a long nose, she use to smell all the world around, you know what I mean. Of course she pushed her nose into her daughters beds and sheets. Kicked away all the lousy men from her house.  She made them all promise to send a telegram from the honeymoon describing their lovemaking.

Anna sent her telegram "Nescafe". Aunt Debra was puzzled, she asked about uncle Tomas, he  went to the kitchen picked the Nescafe can. It said: "Good till the last drop." Aunt Debra loves her smart daughter's message. An hour later the postman handed her another two telegrams from Brenda and from Carmella. Brenda's telegram contains only two words "Pall - Mall", now aunt Debbie knew what to do she went to the kitchen to find the Pall Mall cigarettes pack, she read "Extra Long. King Size". Now aunt Debbie opened, the last telegram from her beloved daughter Carmella. It says "BOAC"

Aunt Debbie gazed on her poster on the wall the ads said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Aunt Debbie fainted ....

The Scottish Three Brides - Chapter Two
My other story was told by my friend Gordon about his Scottish neighbors the Mac...y family  
As you know the Scottish people are not really cheapskates, they just famous for their saving ability. So the Mac...y family assembled their three daughters and men and made one wedding ceremony. Scottish mom's must have also a long nose pushing it all over. So Mrs Mac...y made them all promise to send an E-mail describing their lovemaking.

The eldest daughter wrote the message telling her Mom "My husband is a great carpenter. He is using his screwdriver like a professional, he screwed me fast and tight. The youngest daughter's mail came next telling about her experience of the honeymoon "Mom my husband is a plumber and his pipe pumped and drain all my liquids, I am sure he got a two zoll (inch) pipe.

Dee the middle daughter mail says "Mom my husband as you know is a Tire mechanic,
he must be a lousy professional, he filled the bath, put me in and all night he was trying to find the hole"

Dec 23, 2011

Birth Control Jokes

    Back to Birth control, the oldest funny joke about, was developed in India where the Indian government promised 1000 Rupees (about 30 bucks at those days) for vasectomy operation.
My friend Gordon was one of the government subcontractors charging 20 bucks per man. The local governor asked him how can he do it for such a low price so Gordon explain his procedure. "My staff holds two stones and claps the man's testicles". The governor asked him "Do it hurts?", "yep" replied Gordon, "we replace the operators every hour"

   Another old joke was told about in China, but was imported to the USA.
After their 8th child, Bobby and Sue an Alabama couple decided they must shutoff the production line. Bobby went to his vet and asked his advice. The vet told him he should have a vasectomy procedure at the Hospital or he offer a DIY job which is very cheap. Bobby was poor so of course he asked the vet about the DIY.
The vet instructed Bobby "Now go home, get a firework bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count one to ten ." So Bobby went back home, lit a firework bomb put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! One, Two, Three, Four Bobby paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand. Boom....... they gone LOL.
p.s. This procedure also works in Georgia, Tennessee, SC, NC, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, and Washington DC.

Funny song by Australian folk singer John Williamson, from live gig in '83. Lyrics below, enjoy! Source

It's just a modern world we live in, but why do they pick on me
Why just the other week my missus had the cheek to talk me into a va-sec-tom-y
At first it never clicked that I was gettin' nicked, I thought it was to test verility
Than after I went through it, ten days we couldn't do it and then the doctor said to me I couldn't believe it folks - He said please blow into this bag, please sir
What? - to test your capability
I beg your pardon? - we're cutting down on accidents
I said are you fair dinkum - He said please blow into this bag and we'll see Well - I couldn't believe it at first but you know what they say about doctors orders
So he gave me the little bag and ushered me into the little room with all the pin-ups
Grubby little room it was, too, and I came back with my little bag
And the doctor was quite satisfied, and so was I It's just a modern world we live in, there's knew fangled things every day
The cop said I was speedin', accordin' to his readin'
But I was three kilometers away
I was feelin' pretty mad when he took out his pad, I tried to stay as calm as I could be
He found a bawldy tread, he saw my eyes were red
And then he said this strange thing to me - I said what again? He said please blow into this bag, please sir
I said hang on - to test your capability
What? - we're cutting down on accidents
I said are you fair dinkum - He said please blow into this bag and we'll see Well this time I really was shaken up, the cop could see I was a bit excited
He said well you better take a good grip on yourself son
So I went around behind a big gum tree and came back with my little bag
Well you can imagine what happened It's just a modern world we live in, I'm feelin' very sad and pale
The judge said I was sick and threw me in the nick
And missus said she wouldn't pay the bail

So take it from a fool like me, beware of quacks and boys in blue
I'm feelin' pretty bruised so don't you get confused
I'd catch a train if I was you-ou All together now - please blow into this bag, please sir
Ahh, It sends a shiver down my spine
Please blow into this bag, please sir

Dec 19, 2011

Hall Of Fame - Car Industry

 I am gonna to take you to the postage stamps world, we will learn about the evolution from carriages to cars.   
The wheel invention was the first step, but the genius inventor who assembled a pair of wheels on one axis and use them earned his place in the hall of fame. After that the ancient Egyptians were the first to build the war chariots which were developed by the Hittites which probably were the first to use iron for their tools and weapons. The chariots were used by the Romans who developed the transportation in their Empire. Horse carts served us for 20 centuries. The development of the metal leaf springs contribute to the manufacturing of the carriages at the 18 century. All around Europe the rich start traveling by the carriages which became more comfortable then the old carts.

Now the Industrial revolution brought new innovations which the main was, the steam engine. Now men dreams replacing muscles with steam. So very fast steam engines were operating the trollies in the mines and then Eng. Stevenson build and operate the first train running by a steam engine. Next step the engineers dreamed about building a mechanical carriage, using the old steam engine. Lets look on the pictures below of the first steam engine carriage build by the French Le Fardier de Cugnot and the lower by the British Sir Goldsworthy Gruney at 1825
which are telling us that story.

Now check the two clips

The Oldest vehicle a Steam engine car of 1884

Karl Benz and Nikolaus August Otto and Daimler were the pioneers of introducing the four stroke Internal combustion engine into their cars and all over the world the new toy gain popularity.
That stamp celebrates 125 years of the first modern cars Mercedes Model 1886.

Can you see the hand crank in front of the Rolls Royce, till 1912 the car drivers hat to apply torque in order to start the engine. Check all the vintage classical cars of the old days. most of them you might saw in the museums and some later cars may still run on our roads by their owners.



 In honor to Karl Benz, Anzo Ferrari, Charles Rolls and Henry Ford.

  Czech stamps in honor to their Tatra Company
 More 1903 - 1914 cars

From Ford to Cadillac 1931

Lao published Sport cars of the old days.
    Sweden published the cult cars top down VW  Bug, Volvo 1953, Cadillac Coupe de Ville 1959, Citroen DS, Ford Mustang convertible 1966,
 Now I found the stamps published by Tuvalu another cult car the Citroen 2CV French (“deux chevaux”) which reminds me 40 years ago driving and fixing it daily, you should treat her like a French Lady. but I always pick up girls driving up and down the stairs to the seashore.

 Many years later a friend of mine drove the Citroen DS, a great car which needs a huge bank account, the hydro pneumatic suspension system requires to be maintained very carefully, Ces  la vie. 
Now check the Citroen 2CV performence

Citroen 2Cv all models 60 years of evolution.

As kids we had a dream driving American cars with long fins like the actors in the movies. So 30 years ago I had the Studybaker Golden Hawk till one day a huge tree fall on my cars roof, fortunately It was at night. Today the worlds taste changed everyone need a SUV. So just lets gaze at them and try to remember the old days and drive your Toyota or your Buick Lacrosse.

Now check that clip

Dec 16, 2011

Two Languages Is A Must

   A cat is chasing a mouse, the mouse entered his hole safely, but not for a long time. The cat starts barking like a puppy and very soon the mouse was out of his shelter. The cat caught him in less than a second. The mouse asks "why you fool me barking like a puppy?". Oh my friend replied the cat "those days you must speak at least two languages to survive."

Cat playing with a mouse

Dec 15, 2011

Tarzan Roar

I received a nice email regarding British humor. I like some of the cartoons the rest you may find here. As a kid Tarzan's movies were great adventures eh? so I fetch here Johnny Weismuller one of the most famous Tarzan actors.
How was Tarzan's roar created?
Now more Jungle cartoons.

Okay lets take a break, I need to go to the restroom were I found that scene....