Mar 30, 2011

Kick In The Ass - KITA

   The king asked his court jester to do something for which he must apologize. But the apology must be much more serious than the action.
The court jester thought about it .......on the next morning, as the King and the Queen appeared for breakfast the court jester kicked the Queen's ass.

"Jester, what have you done???" Roared the King ...
Then the court jester replied:"Sorry, I thought it was you"...

p.s. KITA : Kick In The Ass. here is the old and good theory, the Stick and the Lollypop!!!

Mar 28, 2011

Old Fisherman

    Fishing at Times Square!
   An old fisherman was sitting near a deep puddle in Times Square and holds a fishing rod. Two Japanese tourists came closer and asked him to let them take, few shots with him. "I will charge you twenty bucks" said the fisherman. The elder Japanese handed him the bill, and after they finished taking the pictures with him the young Japanese asked the fisherman "Were you lucky today? how many fishes you hooked?". "you are mine third catch for today" replied the man.
Try hard to find the old fisherman in the clip!!!

 OMG bless the fishes.
  Two guys Brad and Tom were out fishing to the lake. Brad was unlucky, he tried changing hooks, floats and baits, but the fishes didn't want to get even close.  While Tom standing not too far away fetch the fishes without using the rod.
  Brad asked Tom how are you doing it? Tom told him "undress your pants and underwear and stand in the water, the fishes will come to bite your balls!, grab them out of the water as fast as you can". Ten minutes passed and Brad was still unlucky. Tom called him "what's up with you Brad, the fishes didn't like you?"
   Brad looks so happy "OMG bless the fishes, I will let them live"

  Anything you can do, I can do better 
  Two guys are talking about fishing. One says to the other, “I am NEVER going to take my wife fishing with me, ever again!” “That bad, huh” “She did everything wrong! She did everything wrong! She talked too much, made the boat rock constantly, tried to stand up in the boat, baited the hook wrong, used the wrong lures and WORST of all she caught more fish than me!”

The Osprey went fishing link

Mar 27, 2011

Golden Fish Jokes

Double Prize
   Bob's used to go Fly-Fishing at the weekends in the Yellowstone National Park rivers. One day he hooked a strange fish, Bob never saw a fish like this. This was a large golden fish about half a pound. As he released the fish from the hook, the fish starts speaking to him. "I am the famous Golden fish from the fairy tale The Fisherman and his Wife Please let me free, put me back in the river and I will reward you with three wishes"
   Bob put the Gold fish into the water and the fish dance around him and proceed "Thank you, now go back home and make your three wishes" Bob starts getting out the water when the fish called him again "I am so old, so I forgot telling you about the condition, each wish you ask your neighbor Tom will get double the wish you asks" (Tom was screwing Bob's wife). Bob told the Golden fish "Thank you for this that's like six wishes"
    Bob hurried back home and told his wife Dee Dee the strange story and she told him "are you gonna nut?" Bob replied "we shall see it in a minute, watch my first wish"
"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated Sadie.
"What is your first wish?" asked Dee Dee. Bob whispered "Gold Fish build me a five bedrooms new house" the next minute Bob and Dee Dee looked around on their gorgeous house, but at the other side their neighbor Tom got a ten bedrooms house. "That's not fair" cried Dee Dee.
    "That's our fate" said Bob now for the second wish we need three brand new cars, a Jeep for me, a Cadillac for you Dee Dee and a convertible for our daughter Liz. The next moment all three cars parked in front of the house. Dee Dee cried  "Bob what have you done, look at the Johnson's they got now six brand new cars" "Well, that's okay, watch Mr. Tom he is wandering the miracles" replied Bob.
    Now Bob told his wife "watch carefully at Mr. Johnson, Golden Fish my third and final wish, pull out one of my eyes" on the other side their neighbor Tom shouted "For God sake I am blind"

Golden Fish with only one wish
    Tony was a very poor man he lived in a small fisherman village near Cadiz, Spain. Tony used to feed his family with the fishes he fished each day. One day he catch the Golden fish. Suddenly he heard the fish speaking to him "I am the famous Golden fish from the fairy tale The Fisherman and his Wife Please let me free, put me back in the water and I will reward you with one wish!"
     Tony start arguing "but you should give me three wishes as in the fairy tales!" The Gold fish told him that he will get only one wish "Take it or leave it" So Tony draw out a map from his pocket circled two circles one around Cadiz and the other around Tripoli, Libya. "Gold fish make a route underneath the sea so all the oil of Tripoli will come out in my backyard" The Gold fish cried "Fisherman are you nut? that's a hell of a job I must change a lot of the nature it's almost impossible, please ask a million Bucks or 100 millions but not the oil"
     Tony replied "Okay Gold fish, can you make my wife Isabella gonna give me a blow job for the first time in my life?" "Bring me the map" cried the Gold fish.

Mar 21, 2011

Don't Stand, Please Swing

    Grandpa went on a business trip to Johannesburg about fifty years ago. Those days, the apartheid regime ruled the country. The colored people didn't have any rights, the white men treated the colored people as they wanted. Grandpa came of the terminal and stood in the line to pick up a cab. The cab dispatcher asked him "Sir, are you new here?", Grandpa replied "yep", the man told him "Sir, colored people should stand in line, white men don't". Upon Arrival to the Hotel Grandpa waited again in the line for the reception, the reception clerk asked him "Sir, are you new here?", "yes" Grandpa answered . The clerk handed him the rooms key and told him "Sir, colored people should stand in line, white men don't". Grandpa entered into the restaurant near the Hotel for dinner, again his habits made him standing at the line.  The waiter took him to his table "Sir, are you new here?, colored people should stand in line, white men don't"
    Now Grandpa looked for some entertainment, so he went to the theater and again wait in the line for his ticket, the man behind him said "Sir, are you new here?", "yes" answered Grandpa. The man advised him "Sir, colored people should stand in line, white men don't, go to the cashier". Grandpa entered into the theater hall, but the the theater steward halt him "Sir, are you new here?", Grandpa nodded  "yep". The steward told him to go upstairs to take his place in the gallery "Sir colored people are sitting at the hall, white people should sit in the gallery"
     After about half an hour Grandpa needed a break for peeing. He asked the man next to him to let him out. The man whispered "Sir, are you new here?", Grandpa nodded  "yep". Then the man explained him "Only colored people goes peeing at the theater!, the whites are peeing from the gallery, hahaha, you got it". So Grandpa started peeing while he heard someone shouting from the hall "Are you new here?, swing and shake your pee"

Candid Camera - "Blind" man is peeing on people

Pee break on Jeff Dunham Show

Mar 14, 2011

How to hide your baldness

     Why are guys concerned about their baldness? Watch some nutty “cover-ups”. Do you know why guys go bald? Because of extra Testosterone in their system.  So guys, if you are going bald, you should be proud.  Don’t cover up that badge of  masculinity. BUT… guys who go bald on the forehead are "sex lions", those with the bald spot on the back of the head, they’re only thinking too much about sex. So stop thinking all day about sex!!!  DO IT instead.
 Hiding my bald

I call these guys "Bankers"
They are saving and borrowing hair from one spot to the other, watch them.
This man is using special spray.


Watch this man using glue to patch his baldness.

John Travolta talks about baldingin NYC

Mar 13, 2011

Amish Land looks like Polish Land

    I first learned  about the Amish people at 1985 when I saw the "Witness"  starring Harrison Ford From the first minute I couldn't distinguish between them an the Religious Jews of Brooklyn. So here I blame Mr. Henry Ford, the leader of the mass-production lines which changes the world. So at these days we can see work horses at the Amish land and as Tourists traps. Watch of the best Amish Jokes.
    An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she’s pulled over by a cop. ‘Ma’am,’ says the cop. ‘You ought to know you have a broken reflector on your buggy.’ ‘I’ll let my husband know as soon as I get home,’ replies the Amish lady. ‘There’s something else,’ says the cop. ‘One of your reins seem to be tied to your horse’s testicles. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that too.’ Back home the lady tells her husband about her encounter with the cop. ‘He said the reflector is broken,’ says the lady. ‘I can fix that in two minutes,’ says her husband. ‘Anything else?’ ‘I’m not sure,’ says the lady. ‘Something about the emergency brake…’

Tradition of the Jewish people in Poland - From the Musical Fiddler on the Roof
To me the Amish and the Polish are the same.

Mar 12, 2011

Magic Squares and Mathmagic!!

Dürer's Magic Square  
Today I will bring you some interest calculations, because in our modern world we might lose our basic Math skills. So lets reinforce our rusty cells and have fun. 
Magic Square were investigated by many people during the history, but Albrecht Dürer
was also a painter, he combined his famous magic square in the paint Melencolia I,  
View some of his artwork too.

Albrecht Durer Drawings

Arthur Benjamin: Lightning calculation and other "Mathemagic"                                

Great show, learn some math tricks, you can look now for more tricks, exercise your brain, stop relying on the gadgets, or we all rust. 

Math is so easy

Mar 8, 2011

The Forklift Operator

I had a dream last night, in which I was operating a huge Yale Forklift, in a gigantic warehouse arranged  like a maze. Very soon I lost my way, but the machine has a button "home" and by pressing it we were navigated back safely. My task was to rearrange the plenty packages which blocked the roads in order to enable the visitors to drive and make their shopings. So my plan was to start cleaning  one of the main roads, and on the first junction making a right turn and so on. The roads and the allies were named after: youtube, Wikipedia, blogs, portals, music, etc. As I examined the customers faces I find they all were desiring to be happy but as more goodies they carry the warehouse was loaded with new stuff and gadgets and the customers became more frustrated looking always for more. By the end of my shift I l loaded sixteen tons of parcelles and driving back to the main gate. And then I waked up by the tweets of my followers which need to get new tweets.  
Forklift Fail (No that's not me)

      Okay so I understood the message and I started collecting some of my tweets which I had made Spontaneously, which means that during the day my minds carried me to unknown places. I am making a left turn, climbing to 17 floor, making a right turn, and down 120 floors and finding myself reading for instance about the morning clouds over Australia, and I am so glad to share that piece of information with you.
      So I collected some of my first 200 tweets arranging them in my blog, hoping that in the coming years some of them will be real.
Here are the most Bizarre people went out for Shopping. The WALMART The guards must prevent people wearing  bizarre clothing or not covering their "nice" body from entering the  stores. Whom to blame the food or the gene?



You can now watch some more clips No 3, 4, 5 etc Have just Fun.



Mar 5, 2011

Prison Tales

Three prisoners were chatting to tell their stories.
Steve: I was convicted for robbery, 18 months, but the judge told me that if it was an armed robbery he would locked me for three years

Jack: I was convicted for raping a woman, two years behind bars, but Judge Abe told me "you are lucky because if she was a virgin, you would get five years"

Nelson (Black): The Sheriff caught me driving without my headlights, so I received  five years, but judge Abe told me "you are lucky, because if the sheriff would caught you driving without lights at dark time, you would received ten years"  

Prison Break

Prison Song - The Movie

Famous prisons in the world

Johnny Cash - Folsom Prison Blues

How to Tell a Joke?

    Most of the staff on our ship sails together many years, one day Andy "the greaser" who was also the best stories teller and jokes improviser suggest "buddies, believe me, we know all the jokes in the world, so why shall we chew them again, lets define each joke by it's number and instead telling the Joke Connect two, I will declare "Joke No. 2", and then all of us will remember it and have fun".
    So from that day we use to tell each other "joke 81", Ha, ha, ha, that’s great. One day two Lieutenants, Bobby and Steve joined our ship. We were after a very complicated drill, so we all were sitting and trying to enjoy our after duty's hours. As usual Andy start's telling his Jokes.
Andy: "Joke 37" 
Audience: Ha, ha, ha, ha, applause, and then again Ha, ha, that's great Andy.
Steve: "what's all about? what make you laugh?"
Andy explained him the principles of our Joke procedure.
Now Gordon told us "Joke No 18" and we start laughing nonstop.
Lieutenant Bobby said: "Joke 44", nobody laugh!!!
Lieutenant Bobby: "Why nobody laugh? It's not funny?"
Gordon: "Sir, It's a great Joke, but you must learn how to tell a Joke, watch how Andy will tell it"
Andy: "Joke 44" Audience: Ha, ha, ha, applause, and then again Ha, ha, that's great Andy.

   "Joke 44" Ancient times Water-Ski
  The Commander of a Roman Galley announced the slaves "I've got to inform you two things, what shall I tell you first, the good or the bad news?" Spartacus replied "Sir we prefer the good news first". The Commander promised them BBQ for Lunch. 
Spartacus: "Thanks God it's time to treat us better, we are starving" 
The Commander proceed: "The Admiral would like to enjoy water-ski after Lunch"

Mar 3, 2011

Promote the Pastor

    Pastor Tomas announced his congregation that he was planning to leave for Boston where his salary will be doubled. The whole congregation starts mumbling, because no one wants him to leave they really loved him and his wife the piano teacher.
   Bill Campbell the Dentist stands up and proclaims "If the Pastor stays, I will contribute five grand per year for the Pastors salary" Eddy Horbat, the Drugstore owner proclaims "If the Pastor stays, I will contribute ten grand per year for the Pastors salary". The audience applauded, now Jim Brown the real estate agent, promised twenty grand per year. More sighs and loud applause.
   One by one each member of the congregation contributes some money into the pot to convince the Pastor to stay with them. Finally Mrs. Dee Schultz, age 75 a natural blond stands up and announces with her hoarse voice "If the Pastor stays, I will give him sex!"
   For a moment  the audience became silence, and then somebody started to laugh and for almost five minutes nobody could stop it.  Tomas the Pastor asked her "Mrs. Schultz, we know you, as religious person and a nice grandma, why did you said that?" Mrs. Dee replied:  "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "Fuck him".
Deviations of that phrase "Fuck him" are the base of many jokes regarding blond vs service providers, I promise to cover them all, all of them are "old like dirt" or old like Rasputin's beard.