Apr 30, 2011

My Aunt Consideration Where to Retire

My Aunt just sent me an E-mail asking me to help here, finding the best location to move for the rest of her life. I need your help so your comments will be great.

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where
1. You are willing to park three blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to an oven door.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and are you KIDDING me?!

OR you can retire to California where...

1. You make over $250K and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how much time it will take to  travel there.

6. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR you can retire to NYC where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (Ed. Note if you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR you can retire to Minnesota where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

OR you can retire to the Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder."
It's important to know the difference, too.

OR you can retire to Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3K mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center to pick up his daughter, Granola.
3. A pass does not involve football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR you can retire to the Midwest where 

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is 10 cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

OR you can retire to Florida where.

1. You eat dinner at 15:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people or Q-tips!

Apr 25, 2011

The Raven - A Thrilling Clip.

     My friend sent me yesterday a great thrilling trailer, which I would like to share with you. But it's a package deal, you will get also free of charge the great poet The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe   For me Edgar Allan Poe is The Black Cat, which is my favorite short story. So you may read the poet or listen to the podcast. But I recommend reading the poet loudly, its just great.

Source: http://classicpoetryaloud.podomatic.com/entry/2008-02-29T02_21_58-08_00

The Raven  by Edgar Allan Poe (1809 – 1849)

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,—
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
"'T is some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door;
Only this and nothing more."

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow;—vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow—sorrow for the lost Lenore,
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore:
Nameless here for evermore.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me—filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
"'T is some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door,
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door:
This it is and nothing more."

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
"Sir," said I, "or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you"—here I opened wide the door:—
Darkness there and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortals ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, "Lenore?"
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, "Lenore:"
Merely this and nothing more.

Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
"Surely," said I, "surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore;
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore:
'T is the wind and nothing more."

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately Raven of the saintly days of yore.
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door,
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door:
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,—
"Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou," I said, "art sure no craven,
Ghastly grim and ancient Raven wandering from the Nightly shore:
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!"
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."

Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning—little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door,
Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as "Nevermore."

But the Raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered, not a feather then he fluttered,
Till I scarcely more than muttered,—"Other friends have flown before;
On the morrow he will leave me, as my Hopes have flown before."
Then the bird said, "Nevermore."

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
"Doubtless," said I, "what it utters is its only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful Disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore:
Till the dirges of his Hope that melancholy burden bore
Of 'Never—nevermore.'

But the Raven still beguiling all my fancy into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird and bust and door;
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore,
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking "Nevermore."

This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamplight gloated o'er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamp-light gloating o'er
She shall press, ah, nevermore!

Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
"Wretch," I cried, "thy God hath lent thee—by these angels he hath sent thee
Respite—respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore!"
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget this lost Lenore."
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."

"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil! prophet still, if bird or devil!
Whether Tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted—
On this home by Horror haunted—tell me truly, I implore:
Is there—is there balm in Gilead?—tell me—tell me, I implore!"
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."

"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil—prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us, by that God we both adore,
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels name Lenore:
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore!"
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."

"Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!" I shrieked, upstarting:
"Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!"
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."

And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor:
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted—nevermore!

Apr 21, 2011

When You Come to Nablus City

    Last Night we were sitting and boozing our regulars, so one of the veteran start singing  "She'll be coming 'round the mountain" and he reminds me the extra verse for that song we use to sing on our vessel while we were running dirty jokes reminding the gays. As you know Nablus was famous as the Middle East center of the gays. All rich Arabic came to get layed. here we go! 
When you come to Nablus city
When you come
Don't forget your ammunition
And your gun
Because Muhammad and Re'easy  (*Gang in Arabic)
Put his arrow in your tizzy**              (**tizzy means Ass in Arabic)
When you come to Nablus city
When you come
Singing aye aye yipee yippee aye
Aye aye yippee yippe aye
Singing aye aye yippee
Aye aye yippie
Aye aye yippie yippie aye

Apr 12, 2011

Short Runway

   The pilot of a 747-800 Polish Airliner came for his first time to JFK airport. As the wheels touch down, the pilot and his co-pilot were pushing to the max the brakes. as the plane stopped finally at the end of the runway the pilot told the co-pilot "Vladek, look how foolish are the Americans , that's  the shortest runway I've ever landed!" "Tak (yes in Polish)," replied Vladek "but look how wide it is!!!"
I must recommend that hilarious classical music band The Mozart's Group  
Mozart's Group are flying with LOT Over the Rainbow

The Mozart's Group

Apr 11, 2011

Readers Corner - The House Of God

The House of God - by Samuel Shem

    Last month I was pretty busy around the clock visiting the hospitals in an out. My mother complained of difficulty to breath, we picked an ambulance and came to the emergency department at about 8:00 a.m. and after less than two minutes the whole medical staff started acting very professionally. They hooked her to the monitoring equipment, an oxygen supply, and then it was the young doctor who examined her and then stuck the needle in her vein to draw a little blood for lab tests. Of course he wasn't skilled enough so after several trials he called another doctor. Okay I will stop describing it at the end my Mom was lucky cause they succeeded drawing the required amount of blood. Now we went for some X rays and so on.
    At 10:00 a.m. the chief of the emergency department with his staff walked around checking the patients. The chief asked the junior about my Mom's problem and he muttered some Latin terminology. After the visit was over I asked the doctor what's next and he told him we need to wait for the lung specialist. Now I told him that last time she had the same problem and the doctor ordered to suck her lungs. The doctor looked at me and asked me about my occupation at that moment I remembered the same episode which appeared in the hilarious book I read almost thirty years ago. I asked the young doctor did you read the novel "The House of God"? "yep" he replied, "it's one of the recommended books at the university.

   The House of God is a satirical novel about the relationship between young and Inexperienced doctors and their elderly patients which were called GOMERS Get Out of My Emergency Room.
which means the doctor must do the best to get rid of the patient as soon as possible. 
    I wish you good health but next time you arrive to the emergency department, you better know how to behave with the staff so they are not going to give you a run around the hospital departments (you are a GOMER even if you are a wealthy patient, in a private hospital).
   The Storyline Dr. Roy Basch is an intelligent, naive intern working in a hospital called the House of God after completing his medical studies. He is poorly prepared for the grueling hours and the sudden responsibilities without good guidance from senior attending physicians. He commences the year on a rotation supervised by an enigmatic, iconoclastic and wise senior resident who goes by the name The Fat Man. The Fat Man teaches him that the only way to keep the patients in good health and to survive psychologically is to break the official rules. The Fat Man provides his interns with wisdom such as his own "Laws of the House of God" (which amount to 13 by the end of the book). One of his teachings is that in the House of God, most of the diagnostic procedures, treatments, and medications that are received by the patients known as "gomers" (see Glossary, below) actually harm these patients instead of helping them. Basch becomes convinced of the accuracy of the Fat Man's advice and begins to follow it. Because he follows the Fat Man's advice and does nothing to the gomers, they remain in good health. Therefore, ironically his team is recognized as one of the best in the hospital, and he is recognized as an excellent intern by everyone, even though he is breaking the rules.
Source   http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_House_of_God 

Hospital Funny clips

Apr 1, 2011

The Dachshund and the Great Dane


  The scene is a vet waiting room.  Two attractive women  are sitting in the waiting room.  The first woman has a little Dachshund on a leash .  The Dachshund is clearly freaking out of his head.  His eyes are bulging and he's shaking all over, breathing hard, in a panic.  The second woman has a leash in her hand and on the other end of the leash is the biggest Great Dane you've ever seen, about a meter and a half at the shoulder.  Like all big dogs, he's just sitting there smiling, with his tongue hanging out of his mouth.

     The Dane sees the Dachshund in this panic and he  leans over and says, "Yo!  My man!  What's up and why the panic"? The Dachshund responds by telling the Dane that the woman has brought him to the vet's office to have him neutered, to have his balls cut off and he can't take it, they're going to make him a eunuch, what a world, what a world, what a world.  Oi! Oi! Oi!
   The Great Dane epxresses appropriate regret and asks why a woman would do such a thing to such a cute little dog.  After some encouragement the Dachshund gives tells his story.  "She has this deep pile, shag carpet in the living room.  I'm built low to the ground and when I walk on the carpet my testicles drag on it and I get excited and I ejaculate  and she screamed that she's just tired of having dog cum all over her expensive deep pile, shag carpet so she's going to have my balls cut off! "Shit, man, I'm awfully sorry to hear that.  Its a sad story, indeed", says the Dane.

    "So why are you here?", asks the Dachshund. "What's you're deal"? "Well," says the Dane, "you see this young and very attractive lady here that's got my leash in her hands?  The other day she was taking a shower and I was waiting in the room just outside when the phone rang.  I guess she was expecting a call because she jumped out of the shower, wrapped in a towel, and picked up the phone right away.  She talked for a minute or two and the towel fell off her and she bent over to pick it up.  I got a real eyeful of what she's got and I couldn't control myself so I jumped on her back and basically fucked her brains out".

   The Dachshund smiles for the first time and slowly says, "Soooooo, they're going to cut your balls off too, eh?" The Dane smiles back and says slowly, inspecting his paws that's he's held up in front of his face, "Nope, just gonna...trim my nails".

**In honor to my best friend Moishe - LEH who is the greatest story tellers among the lawyers and the greatest lawyer among all story tellers.