May 13, 2013

Judge Abe vs Lady Amy

When I was a teenager we used to sneak from school spending hours at the court rooms. My best friend Lee dragged us to the most interested trials. Of course the most interested cases were about pimps and prostitutes. At those years all the whores used the nickname La Douce because of the great movie Irma La Douce .
So one of the whores were an old lady looking about 70 years and when the Judge asked for her name? she looked around the audience which most of them were her colleagues and replied  "Doris La Douce" The Judge smiled and proceeds "how come?" she told him she was a "working girl" for fifty years and now she is the Madam but she had many young customers suffering the Oedipus complex  and she gave them good time. 

Here I collected for you two old jokes, about old ladies which may cut off your head and shit down your throat.

Lady Dee
Judge: "Will you tell us, Mrs Dee, what happened the night of April 1st?
Dee: "I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me."
Judge: "Did you know him?"
Dee: "No, but he looks friendly."
Judge: "What happened after he sat down?"
Dee: "He started to rub my thigh."
Judge: "Did you stop him?"
Dee: "No, I didn't"
Judge: "Why not?"
Dee: "It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago."
Judge: "What happened next?"
Dee: "He began to play my nipples".
Judge: "Why didn't you stop him then?"
Dee: "He made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!"
Judge: "What happened next?"
Dee: "Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"
Judge: "What happened next?"
Dee: "Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard"
p.s.The picture is for illustration only - source

Shameless Attorneys 

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, Mrs Amy an elderly grandmother to the stand. He approached her and asked; "Mrs.Amy, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.. Amy, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes I know him."

The defense attorney almost fainted.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said:
"If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both behind bars for five years"

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