Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better

I got an E-mail with an old joke don't miss the punch line. this reminds me the great movie Annie Get Your Gun with the wonderful song Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better.

 

Some of the Troopers Will Always Help you.

  People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor.

Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.

"What's the matter? asked the Trooper

"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.

"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

"I can't," said the biker.

"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you."  The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised.

Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the local State Troopers' office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist.

It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill..."

And I Imagine at first that this is part of Fargo season 2 

How Will Sex Keep You In Shape

Everybody say that good sex will keep you in shape. So we collect the facts from 4,938 volunteers, here are the figures about how many calories are burned during sex:
Bra releasing.
With both hands............................ 4 Calories
With one hand..............................36 Calories
Using your teeth..........................160 Calories  
Dressing a Condom.
With an erection............................8 Calories
Without an erection...................300 Calories
Screwing Style.
Missionary......................................9 Calories
French Kissing.............................36 Calories
Wheelbarrow Race.....................290 Calories

 Source

Italian Waiter..........................330 Calories

Watching the clip......................69 Calories


Getting an Erection per age:
14-19 years......................................2 Calories
20-29 years......................................8 Calories
30-39 years....................................16 Calories
40-49 years...................................144 Calories
50-59 years.....................................10 Bucks
60-69 years.................................1,800 Bucks
People who need to dress after.
Calmly..............................................16 Calories
In a hurry..........................................80 Calories
Her husband at the front door............900 Calories
Your wife knocking at the door........  500,000 Bucks
Nine Months Later (After Shooting The Moon)
Mommy.......................................20,000 Calories
Daddy.........................................48,000 Calories
No free lunches you need to look for a second Job.....

The Schlemiel And The Schlimazel

Do you know the difference between the Schlemiel and the Schlimazel? The Schlemiel is the active guy always sloppy, and the Schlimazel its passive victim.
The most well known explain is about the glass of coffee, which the Schlemiel drops it on the Schlimazel's pants.

Here I found another great clip, explaining the difference between these two persons. hey beware next time, once putting your stuff in the overhead bin.

If you like Seinfeld you may enjoy The Schlemiel and the Schlimazel in Seinfeld - here 

Here you get a great Salad Bar of Schlemiel's and the Schlimazel's  
Here is a Schlemiel.

 


And here is a Polish Schlemiel.

The Wrong Tube

Dee, our neighbors daughter married last week. The young couple spent the first night at her parents home. 
At breakfast little Tommy Dee's brother, asks his Mom, "Is the young couple still in their room?".
Mother:"Yep".
Little Tommy: "Do you know what I think?"

 
His mother replies: "I don't care what you think! just hurry and go to school"

Tommy returned home for lunch and asks his mother, "What's up with the young couple? did they show up?"
Mom:"No"

Little Tommy: "Do you know what I think?"
Mom replies: "I do not want to hear what you think! Just finish your meal and prepare your homework"

At dinner Daddy asks, "Is the young couple in their room yet?"
Mom replies: "Yes"
Little Tommy: "Do you know what I think?"

Mom: "Okay, now tell me what you think?"
Little Tommy: "Last night, Gordon came to my room asking for Vaseline and I think .....
I gave him my model airplane glue ... "

The Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each of you, you will really feel great".

The excitement was almost electric, as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke!! 

It slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit !" .... cried the hypnotist.....................

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.
          

Bad Dogs - No Boy

Gordon my friend sent me a post about some bad dogs. I can't believe there are bad dogs but just for laugh that's Okay. If you had some bad experience with your dog let us hear about it.

Here is a short clip, about a really rude dog, the clip is not recommended for watching to those who can't watch disgusting scenes. you must see that clip to the end.

Please no hard feeling it's set up, just to embrace you all dog lovers.

DIY How To Became A Polish Widow

   Only Polish woman don't care about their husbands. They prefer a shiny diamond rather a sick husband. Last year I met plenty of widows on my Caribbean cruise. Helena a lush lady from Chicago told me how she became a widow.