Feb 20, 2013

Shameless Jokes

I watch in parallel both TV series Shameless the UK and the US. I prefer the UK cause its less naughty and with much more social political messages. Yesterday while watching the program, a flash memory about crowded homes and little children watching their parents gave me the opportunity  telling two old jokes.


I'm Coming
Little Johnny walked into class with a swollen black eye.
Teacher: "Johnny what’s up? how you got that swollen face?"
Johnny: As you know we have only one room, and I sleep with my parents in one bed.
Yesterday night, my dad asks, “johnny are you sleeping?” Then I say "No" so he slaps my face and gives me a black eye.
Teacher: "tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet and don't answer."

Next morning, Johnny enter the class and the teacher noticed he got another black eye.
Teacher: "My goodness! Why you got another black eye?"
Johnny: "dad asked me again, Johnny are you sleeping?" I remembered your advise and now shut up and kept dead still, then my dad and my mum started dancing together in the bed. a moment later mommy was crying "Oh God I'm coming" now dad dance a great shake and whispered "I'm coming too" 
Cause they never go anywhere without me I cried, “wait for me, I’m coming too!”


Pinochle
Little Johnny waked up by a noise from his parents room. He knocks on the door and asks his daddy what’s going on. “we are playing Pinochle” he replies. “Who’s your partner?” asked little johnny. “Sheila!” replied daddy.
Little Johnny returned to his room when he hears the same noise coming from his sister’s room. Again, he knocks on the door and asked his sister what was she doing. “Playing Pinochle.” “with whom?” he asks. “My boyfriend!” she replies.

A short while later, Johnny’s father went looking for cigarettes and hears a noise coming from Little Johnny’s room. He knocks on the door and asks “What are you doing?” “Playing Pinochle!” replied Johnny. “Who’s your partner?” asked his father…
Little Johnny answers promptly, “With a hand like this who needs a partner?”

Period
The teacher asks her class to describe what a scandal means. No one raised his finger but Little Johnny. He walked up to the blackboard, and made only a big dot using the chalk.
The teacher waits for Johnny to start his story, but he replies "A period must be the scandal."
"Well Johnny, let us hear your arguments connecting the period to a scandal"
"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Mommy fainted, my brother Ted bolts from home and Daddy had a heart attack"

Shame And Scandal In The Family - Link

Pregnant Bitches- Link

Don't Fuck With Me - Link

Three Brides Honeymoon - Link

 

Feb 18, 2013

Never Open The Pandora's Box

My friend Gordon reminds me some of our old day jokes about husbands and their wives cheating around. The main motive is the Pandora's box
Many American presidents had affairs but Bill Clinton produce the most juicy stories.

The Pandora's Box Under the Clinton's Bed
When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.

She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the three beer cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess three times is not that bad considering your problem."
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. 
A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

War Memories - Bean Soup
Dee and Liam celebrated their Gold anniversary, after they exchange the presents Liam asked Dee about her affairs during the years. The young couple established an open marriage but they decided to keep a bean each time they have a new partner.  Now Liam told her he had only one relationship with Sue their neighbor, and what about you asked Liam. Dee draw out an old Biscuit tin box open it and to Liam surprise only five beans were in that big box. Oh dear Dee only five affairs during all those years? 
"No silly" replied Dee. "what do you mean?" asked Liam.
"do you remember WW2 when beans were short, but we ate bean soup every day" 


Feb 5, 2013

Elbows On A Table?

   Gordon my British friend sent me that stuff. To all of you who were children in the 50s I thought you might enjoy this one.

EATING IN THE UK DURING THE FIFTIES
* Pasta we did not think had been invented.
* Curry was an unknown entity.
* Olive oil was kept in the medicine cabinet.
* Spices came from the Middle East where we believed that they were used for embalming
* Herbs were used to make rather dodgy medicine.
* A takeaway was a mathematical problem.
* A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
* Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.
* The only vegetables known to us were spuds, peas, carrots and cabbage, anything else was regarded as being a bit suspicious.
* All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.
* Condiments consisted of salt, pepper, vinegar and brown sauce if we were lucky.
* Soft drinks were all called lemonade.
* Coke was something that we mixed with coal to make it last longer.
* A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.
* Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.
* A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
* A microwave was something out of a science fiction movie.
* Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
* Oil was for lubricating your bike not for cooking, fat was for cooking
* Bread and jam was a treat.
* Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves, not bags.
* The tea cosy was the forerunner of all the energy saving devices that we hear so much about today.
* Tea had only one colour, black. Green tea was not British.
* Coffee was only drunk when we had no tea….. and then it was Camp, and came in a bottle.
* Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
* Figs and dates appeared every Christmas, but no one ever ate them.
* Coconuts only appeared when the fair came to town.
* Salad cream was a dressing for salads, mayonnaise did not exist
* Hors d'oeuvre was a spelling mistake.
* Soup was a main meal.
* The menu consisted of what we were given, and was set in stone.
* Only Heinz made beans, there were no others.
* Leftovers went in the dog, never in the bin.
* Special food for dogs and cats was unheard of.
* Sauce was either brown or red.
* Fish was only eaten on Fridays.
* Fish and chips was always wrapped in old newspapers, and definitely tasted better that way.
* Frozen food was called ice cream.
* Nothing ever went off in the fridge because we never had one.
* Ice cream only came in one flavour, vanilla.
* None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.
* Jelly and blancmange was strictly party food.
* Healthy food had to have the ability to stick to your ribs.
* Indian restaurants were only found in India .* Cheese only came in a hard lump.
* A bun was a small cake that your Mum made in the oven.
* Eating out was called a picnic.
* Cooking outside was called camping.
* Eggs only came fried or boiled.
* Hot cross buns were only eaten at Easter time.
* Pancakes were only eaten on Shrove Tuesday – and on that day it was compulsory.
* Cornflakes had just arrived from America but it was obvious that they would never catch on.
* We bought milk and cream at the same time in the same bottle.
* Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.
* Prunes were purely medicinal.
* Surprisingly muesli was readily available in those days, it was called cattle feed.
* Turkeys were definitely seasonal.
* Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.
* We didn't eat Croissants in those days because we couldn't pronounce them, we couldn't spell them and we didn't know what they were.
* Garlic was used to ward off vampires, but never used to flavour bread.
* Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and charging treble for it they would have become a laughing stock.
* Food hygiene was only about washing your hands before meals.
* Campylobacter, Salmonella, E.coli, Listeria, and Botulism were all called "food poisoning."
However, there was one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties.....
…. ELBOWS

Feb 4, 2013

Roly-Poly Jewelry

The latest piece of jewelry came from Paris. You don't need to understand French just watch the clip to the end. Now I'm sure many women will buy it and enjoy their boy friends eh?