Feb 28, 2011

Who Swallowed the Bucks?

    Three blind men entered into "Rose Restaurant" for breakfast. After they finished drinking the coffee, Jeff "the ostrich" called the waiter, "the bill, please". The waiter told them they ate the ten bucks meal, Jeff handed him thirty bucks. The waiter went to Rose gives her the money. Rose gave the waiter five bucks and told him, you know my policy, senior citizens and disabled receive a discount of 17%. 
     So the waiter gave them back five bucks, Jeff handed two bucks to the waiter and each of them got one bucks back. Now let's take off our shoes and do the calculation. Each of them paid nine bucks (Ten minus one) so in total they paid 27 bucks, now two bucks are in the waiter's pocket, now the total is 29 bucks, but they paid 30 bucks so where disappeared one bucks? 
Hint:never believe to any given information, check, don't let them cheat you.

Feb 25, 2011

I will mix the Fuel

My Grandpa was driving his Willys Jeep in Bhutan
The British maps were terrible and very soon, he lost his way back to Thimpu
At a small village he hired a local guide to show him the way. As you can imagine, driving a vehicle at these mountainous roads, requires to change  gears very often,
After a few minutes the guide pointing the gear changing lever, told Grandpa "Sir, you hold the steering wheel in both hands, and I help you to mix the fuel"

Feb 23, 2011

Readers Corner

    The riots which burst out in the Arab Countries Libya, Egypt, actually started in Greece, moved to France and then to Tunisia. The main incentive that leads the crowd is rage. That's the reason for my recommendation for reading this novel. The Crowd really does not care, about their regime, they understand that the next regime may be worse (I like calling it replacing a mule by a donkey). The young people which participate the demonstrations are eager to fight against the Police and the Army, the insight of most teenager is desire for chaos. Non violent demonstrations, are not for young people, their parents maybe will participate non violent resist, the young people nature is resisting the world order. I believe that anarchist elements are lighting the riots, just to resist the authorities. Most of the crowd is not going to gain anything after wards, they crowded the streets because of the herd phenomenon. The crowd will continue struggling the raising prices, unemployment and boring life. According to my opinion the core message (rage and frustration) of the novel Fight Club is similar of what the crowd feels.

    I read the book first and then I saw the film Fight Club (starring Brad Pitt), the film began as a financial failure but right after Sep11,2001 it became a cult Film. With the first news at that awful morning Sep11,2001 at first I thought "here are the results of the Anarchists hidden cells". And I thought about Fight Club motifs. Maybe we are lucky Al-Qa`eda was responsible for these attacks and not the Anarchists!!!. I recommend to watch first the Film, and after to read the book.
p.s If you are under 29 years old, buy also a Punching Bag, and release  your revolutionary spirit and or Anarchist ideas into energy punching the bag. Riots are not made for geeks.

Fight Club Trailer

Feb 19, 2011

Duck Dance

    A few years ago a Chinese circus traveled throughout Pakistan. One evening after the shows Chung the circus manager went to a Tea House in Karachi. At the table next to him, six men were sitting chatting and drinking tea, then one of them called the bartender "Bring us the duck please"
  Chung was watching how the fat Duck danced on top of a pot. Chung went to the bartender "I want to buy your duck." The bartender resisted "My Duck is my core business". After a long bargaining Chung bought the duck for 1234 bucks. The next evening Chung came back into the Tea house shouting on the bartender "your fucking duck didn't wants to dance, he didn't moves an inch" the bartender asked Calmly "Did you light the candles in the pot?"
 How bears learn to dance? on a hot sheet?

Feb 17, 2011

The IRS Agents DIY job.

    Mr. Chung established a small Laundry shop in Manhattan at the corner of Fifth Av.and 49 St. After an year, two IRS agents came over for an audit. They told him "Mr. Chung, your books are lousy, so we are gonna to do you a favor and we will charge you only 100,000 bucks." Mr. Chung told them "no problem come back in a hour it will be ready" The two IRS agents walk out for a cup of coffee, as they returned, Mr. Chung handed them a bag with the dough, one hundred thousand bucks!!!.
    Next year the two IRS agents came over again to audit Mr. Chung's Laundry, and after a few minutes announced him "your books are still lousy and we will charge you 200,000 bucks" Mr. Chung told them "no problem come back in two hours it will be ready"   The two IRS agents walk out for lunch, as they returned, Mr. Chung handed them two bags with the dough, two hundred thousand bucks!!!
    On the third year once again the two IRS agents came over to Mr. Chung's Laundry, they didn't spent time,  handling him an official Tax request document for one million bucks. Now Mr. Chung  politely asked the two to accompany him into the back room. Mr. Chung Pointed to an old printing machine that was there, and showed them "here is the handle you should rotate, so please do that job and let me go back to finish my work"

Second edition - my friend Liam sent me that clip.
Tips On How To Avoid A Tax Audit- Link  Ex IRS agent tells it like it is- Link

Tax collecting

The Taxman - Beatles
Let me tell you how it will be,
There's one for you, nineteen for me,
Cause I’m the taxman,
Yeah, I’m the taxman,

,Should five per cent appear too small
Be thankful I don't take it all
Cause I’m the taxman
Yeah, I’m the taxman

if you drive a car I’ll tax the street
if you try to sit I’ll tax your seat
if you get too cold I’ll tax the heat
if you take a walk I'll tax your feet


(Don't ask me what I want it for, (ah-ah, mister Wilson
If you don't want to pay some more. (ah-ah, mister Heath)
Cause I’m the taxman
Yeah, I’m the taxman

Now my advice for those who die
Declare the pennies on your eyes
Cause I’m the taxman
Yeah, I’m the taxman

And you're working for no one but me

I recommend watching this Movie. 

Feb 8, 2011

Only One inch

    Tom was my Grandpa's partner in college, both studied Civil Engineering and worked in the same design office for six years. Tom was always an expert in sucking up his teachers, managers, so after only three years he became a chief designer, in charge of a ten million bucks Bridge project. He made an error of one inch in the design, so after the bridge was opened to the public, the bridge collapsed. The day after Tom was sent home with his wage, and his manager advised him to change his occupation, because no one would agree to hire him for engineering jobs.
    Tom looked around and decided to establish a pharmacy. The next day as he opened his pharmacy, his first customer was a pretty woman, the woman looked as she is suffering of great pains. She hesitated for a moment, so Tom handed her a pack of tampons and a "painkiller drug", saying to her "That will solve your problem". "Oh no, I need an Enema kit" said the woman. "Oh boy, once again I made a mistake of one inch " cried Tom.  
The Tacoma Bridge collapsed not because of "the one inch error" learn more about.
 p.s.Learn some details about that impressive phenomenon on Tacoma Narrows Bridge (1940)

Feb 6, 2011

You get what you Pay

     Uncle Tomas used always to say "for me the best and forget the rest" and "you get what you pay", everyone came to uncle Tomas to take his advise when purchasing homes, cars, furniture etc. another smart phrase he use to teach me about home economy "The miser's always will pay much more". One day his best friend Brad came over, asking his advise about which binocular to purchase a Zeiss or a Chinese. "Well, well Brad my friend, for me the best and forget the rest, purchase a Zeiss Binocular" recommended Uncle Tomas. "But the Zeiss is ten times more expensive then the Chinese" said Brad. "The Zeiss is the best purchase for you, believe me" replied Uncle Tomas.
    The next week Brad called Uncle Tomas, and informed him, he had purchased a Chinese Binocular, despite his advise. Brad continued: "you know I find it to be an excellent product, yesterday I watched your home and you were kissing a blond lady, and your wife has red hair?" Uncle Tomas replied "Oh poor Brad, If you would use the Zeiss Binocular you would see that’s your sister Betty"

Whom to blame the food or the gene?

"Till the Fat will lose his extra weight the Skinny might die" - was my Grandma's phrase.

Don't blame yourself for being too fat, blame your gene, within seven years scientists will be able to do some miracles on our gene cells, so keep smiling. The big shots told us to prevent butter, chocolate, meat etc. you know why? they were concerned about themselves.

Feb 5, 2011

Bar Jokes and Tricks

Calvados please  is my favorite Bar joke


 Bottle Tricks
 Removing a cork from the Bottle Trick- Tutorial

Dime in a Bottle Trick

Toothpick Balance Trick

Feb 4, 2011

Where is your Willy?

      Bobby the Police Officer is always hiding behind the newspaper booth. He is ambushing for the pedestrians crossing a red light. I watched him yesterday, while he was grabbing a pedestrian. "Your documents please" said the Policeman. "I left my wallet at the Tailor's Shop, across the street were I'm working for" said the pedestrian. Policeman: "Give me your identification" Pedestrian: "Willy Taylor, 2800 Baker St, ID x…..x" The Policeman filled a report and told Willy he must pay a 50 dollar fine immediately, or to go with him to the police station.
     "Sir" said Willy to the PO: "please give me five minutes I will cross the street to the Tailor's shop, pick up my wallet and return with the money". The officer agreed, maybe because Willy looks very honorable. I stood and watched the scene, and I didn't understand how the officer let him bolt. We were waiting maybe ten minutes, then the Policeman crossed the street (I followed him), walked into the Tailor's shop, glanced around and then asked the Tailor "Where is your Willy?" "Peacefully in my pants" replied the tailor.  

Feb 2, 2011

Channel Tunnel Tale

      I used to travel many times between Paris and London. Mainly by planes but at 1989 I was on vacation and we decided to travel by train, to enjoy the countryside of France and England. At Calais we took the Hovercraft crossing the English Channel (La Manche) and as we were cruising and sipping our beverages, the Captain was walking around chatting with the passengers. When he stopped and said Hello to me and my team. I had asked him what are you gonna to do after the Tunnel will be opened at 1991. The Captain who was a Belgian ("Belgian Horse"slang- behave like a horse ) told me that the Ferry line Company, will continue to operate that particular line, and the company have many other Ferry lines, so he will continue with his Job.
    The Captain and me fired an endless chain jokes about sea and sailors (promise I will tell them next time), so finally I told him about my Grandpa which participate the Program of the Channel Tunnel. Grandpa was a well known civil engineer, and he quoted the tunnel digging project. One day at 1984, Grandpa was invited to the Project office for the contract negotiations. The Project Manager told Grandpa, "We were surprised to find your tender at the lowest price, only one and a half million pounds, you must be made an typo error, the next tender quoted one and a half Billion pounds!!!", Grandpa smiled and told him he will fulfill the Contract for one and a half Million pounds. now, interrupted the Program Manager who was a Frenchman, "please explain your approach to dig this Tunnel at such a low budget". Grandpa told the audience "Gilbert and his brother Louis will dig with shovels two tunnels from Calles and I will hire also John and Willy which will dig from Dover also two tunnels, and me and my son are gonna to push them". The Program Manager asked Grandpa with sarcasm, "What are you going to do if the teams will not meet?"  Grandpa replied "then you will get four tunnels at the same price." The captain looked very seriously as he told me "but actually the program is two main tunnels and one service tunnel not four tunnels"
Pedal-Powered Plane crossing the English Channel